I have been struggling lately. I love this blog. I love my readers. Today when I got on the computer after being absent for a week–or more, who knows, I lost track– my heart sank. 566 pageviews yesterday. For those of you who don’t blog, that is like logging into your bank and finding out you have $5. My heart sank, instantly.
It is an odd phenomenon, because I haven’t blogged or pinned or shared via social media. In other words, I haven’t been putting anything in the bank. Yet there I was, sitting there with a pit in my stomach, feeling like a failure, because I want this!
The thing is, whether one of you are reading my blog or a million of you are, my kids are still growing up. Every single day they are growing up and changing and I don’t want to miss it. The very things that make blogging easier, started to become so very dangerous. I didn’t like the person I was becoming. I didn’t like the mom I was becoming. What advice a blogging friend had shared on Facebook, became more important then the block tower Eleanor was building or the imaginary scenario Quinn had dreamed up with his action figures or the way Hudson was focusing on figuring out how to make the guitar make music. Who commented, emailed or liked a photo quickly becomes more important then maintaining eye contact or a conversation.
I would justify my behavior, because this blog makes money. In a lot of ways it is a job. It has been a god-send and has saved us over and over again. Despite this, I couldn’t shake this feeling. I couldn’t go on– “multi-tasking” from my phone, burning the midnight oil. I have been focusing on my health and losing weight and being present for my kids and my family.
So what do you do when you want it all? I really don’t know. Some say you can have it all, just not all at the same time. I believe that is true in a lot of ways. Right now my focus is being present for my children and my family. My focus is on losing weight and getting healthy. I still want to share. I still want to blog and I will continue to do so at my own pace. I wont have time to promote and grow right now and that is okay. I need to take a deep breath and tell myself, that is OKAY!
Life has many seasons. Things will not always be this way. That blog that I love, those readers that I love–they will be there. My time to grow and blossom will come. I know we don’t all struggle with blogging, but I imagine we all have a list of things we want. A list we struggle to manage, to find the time for, energy for, motivation for.
What is on your list?
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