What I Didn’t Expect

I have three kids Hudson, Eleanor and Quinn (1, 3, 5). For almost six years my life has revolved around them. I have spent my days at the park, the zoo, gymnastics, story time, etc. I’ve had morning after morning of snuggles. Hours and hours spent watching my children learn, grow, work together and love each other. I truly enjoy being home with my children and being a mom.

I’m proud of the little boy I raised. He is smart, eager to learn, kind, empathetic, funny and sweet. I had my ups and downs leading up to the start of the school year, but by the time the day came I was mostly excited for him. He was excited about his new adventure. I never doubted I was going to miss him and I was sure I was going to cry. I expected a few tears at goodbye and that would be it.

I didn’t cry when I hugged and kissed him–I beamed with pride at the wonderful young man he had become. After dropping him off at school, we made a pit stop at home, before the zoo. I went up to Quinn’s room to grab something and bam! Tears.

My life had a hole. Everything was the same for me, but one giant gaping hole. I didn’t have a new exciting adventure to occupy me. Just an empty seat in my rearview mirror, instead of my sweet, smiling boy. Everything we did, everywhere we went–there it was! A hole.

I miss my little boy.

At the zoo when they asked how many kids, I said 3 and corrected myself–2. More tears.

When I had to maneuver the stroller through the door without Quinn there to help me–more tears.

When there was no one shouting to watch me on the monkey bars–more tears.

I never realized how much I enjoyed his presence, his smile, his outlook on life.

Today is day two and I am still crying. I’m beginning to wonder if I will ever stop and then I feel heartbroken to think of the day that I don’t notice–that there isn’t a hole.

The heart is a funny thing, because even as a grieve the end of an “era”, I still feel proud and excited for him. I see the ways in which Eleanor and Hudson interact, the different ways in which Eleanor plays and how she is carving her own path and how I get to be there for them in different ways.