When I had Quinn, he was my world. I couldn’t imagine being able to take care of another child. I couldn’t imagine what another child would possibly look like–be like. I couldn’t imagine loving another child as deeply as I love Quinn.
That seems almost funny now looking back. Quinn was a tad older then 2 1/2 when Eleanor was born. I was worried he would be jealous, feel neglected and be bitter. I had heard horror stories of children not talking to their mom for weeks–just daddy. I honestly had no idea what to expect. Quinn was the first grandchild on both sides and our only child. He literally never had to share attention anywhere. To make matters worse, I knew I was going to have a c/s, which meant that I would be limited in my interaction with Quinn, my ability to pick him up and I worried that he would feel abandoned.
We did the room swap early on. We didn’t want Quinn thinking Eleanor “stole” his room. We talked about baby and read books about having a new sibling. We knew it was a girl, we knew we were naming her Eleanor and I think this really helped Quinn grasp the concept better. I tried really hard to make Quinn the star. This baby is so lucky to have you as a big brother. You are going to be such a good big brother. Mommy is so happy I have the best baby helper. It is kind of hard to dislike someone who adores you, right? And I made sure he thought this baby adored him. At the time Quinn was obsessed with trophies. Lord knows where little ones pick up these things. We had a trophy made–world’s greatest brother. He adored it. Once again, kind of hard to dislike someone who is giving you trophies!
When we brought Eleanor home I had to bite my tongue a lot. If she could survive it, I let it go. If Quinn’s playing or excitement woke Eleanor up, I figured I can put her back to sleep. What I can’t do is take back how I make Quinn feel. I rarely corrected him when he interacted with his sister. I would tell him gentle touches, etc. I noticed people are quick to say something when a young child is interacting with a baby. I didn’t want him to get so sick of everyone telling him what to do or make him feel bad for interacting with his sister, because I was afraid he would just stop.
Quinn is now 4 1/2, Eleanor is 2 and they are the best of friends. She adores him and wants to do EVERYTHING he does. Just the other day he started jumping up and down holding himself saying he had to go potty. Eleanor, who hasn’t even begun the potty training process, grabbed herself, started jumping up and down yelling, “I’ve gotta go potty”. We all died laughing. Those two run around like crazies and if Quinn falls down, Eleanor will fall down. They have their moments where they bicker over toys or who gets to hold open a door or push and elevator button, but what siblings don’t?
Right when we thought we had all figured it out, it was time for baby #3. This time I wasn’t worried about Quinn, I was worried about Eleanor. Eleanor’s personality was so much different then Quinn’s and she wasn’t even two yet. I had no idea how much of all of this she comprehended. We followed the same plan with #3. We made Quinn and Eleanor the star, switched rooms early on and killed them with kindness.
When I saw Eleanor react to her new baby brother I knew I had nothing to worry about. We are almost four months in and I think we have found our new normal. Eleanor and Quinn absolutely adore Hudson. They want to help all the time. Quinn gets the Boppy and Eleanor gets the “burpey cloth”.
Truth be told, I think I am the one who has struggled the most. After each kid, as happy and as blessed as I am, I have gone through a grieving period. With the addition of each kid, the life I knew was gone. The dynamics shift, things change–and sometimes change is just hard. Couple that with some post-partum hormones and it is the perfect storm. We’ve adjusted. I still feel like I get lots of special time with each of my children and they each get something special from each other. It always amazes me how deeply my children love eachother and how instantly that bond and that love forms. Nothing makes me happier then watching my babies loving each other, watching their relationship grow and strengthen.
So for all of the families out there who are growing their family or thinking about it, here is what I feel worked for us:
* Make your existing child the star! Your brother is so lucky to have you. You are going to be the best big brother ever! I am such a lucky mom to have you as a helper. Tell them these things repeatedly before baby and after baby. Children never tire of hearing how special they are.
* Talk about what is going to happen. Explain that when baby first comes home things will feel different for a little bit, but baby will learn how we do things in our family and then it will feel normal again. Don’t just have this conversation once, but regularly. Especially as the due date gets closer.
* When baby was born we put the kids in charge of introducing their new brother/sister to other family members who came by to meet the newest addition. Instead of feeling overshadowed, they felt like they were showing off.
* Give a gift. Let us be honest, kids like presents. When the kids first meet baby have baby give them a gift. It makes the older ones feel more special.
* Give your child jobs. They love feeling helpful.
* Give your child space to connect with their new sibling. If the baby is safe from harm, let it be.
* Take help! I had c/s with all three kids and I am a nursing mom. So in the beginning I am zero fun. While dad is home he takes the older kids to the park and the zoo and makes special time for them. When he is back at work, aunts, uncles, and grandparents help out by taking the kids on outings or having them over so they can get their energy out.
* Honor traditions. Our kids always get stories before bedtime. It has been tempting to skip stories, because our hands are full. At the end of the day that is their special one-on-one time and their way of unwinding and it helps things feel “normal”.
* Cut yourself some slack! Things wont be just like they were. Things will feel off. Do the best that you can and know that everything will be okay.
* Enjoy the process.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Nothing has probably ever been more true in the world of parenting.
Anyone else looking to add on and feeling a bit nervous? How many of you used these tricks for a successful transition? Any other tips to add?
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