There really aren’t words to describe what it feels like to be embarrassed and ashamed of yourself. To hide from the camera and from life. Talking about these feelings is uncomfortable and it feels a lot like a pity party with a side of whining. It is such a complicated emotion, because I was happy and I had blessings all around me, but I wasn’t happy with me.
I declared this the summer of me. If you are a long time reader, you heard me talk about this often. I was focusing on myself–guilt free. Blogging fell to the wayside, because it wasn’t a priority. When it was a priority–I did whatever it took to make my pageviews sore. Ignore family–check. Stay up all night- check. Create projects I don’t even need- check.
Six months have officially passed since I started this journey. April 11, 2014 I stepped on a scale, wrote down my weight and vowed to change. As I shed the weight, I found me.
One of those aha moments for me was when I was glancing through our photo stream and I saw myself in the background of a picture my husband had taken.
Seeing that picture was the most freeing feeling in the world. My mind caught up with my body and deep in my soul I knew I had changed. I didn’t cringe at the sight of myself. I wasn’t hiding from life.
This picture taken nearly a year ago had me in tears. It always shocked me to see myself in the mirror or in a photo, because I still picture pre-kids me. Fit me.
More of my thoughts on weight loss here.
These are not particularly good pictures, but the feelings they evoked when I saw them are a big deal.
I’m sharing here today, because somewhere along the way I fell in love with my body again. Those extra pounds and left over belly came from 3 pregnancies. I wouldn’t change a thing about them, because my body grew the most perfect humans and there is nothing to regret in that. Wishing to change me could be wishing to change the very miracles I grew. I can only move forward. Allowing myself this peace and this love towards my body is part of what makes changing it possible.
For every person out there hating themselves, feeling like change is impossible and overwhelming– It isn’t.
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