Progress Not Perfection

A little over a year ago, this was me.

I was 3 months post-partum with baby number 3 in maternity jeans and barely squeezing into my 6 foot 7 inch husband’s t-shirt.

That is a hard place to be.  This is me today.

I still have more to lose, but look how far I have come! This last week or two was rough. I made bad food choices.  I didn’t move enough. When I stepped on the scale and saw it had gone up I was really bummed.

That feeling of inadequacy is gone now though. I know I can do this–I am doing this. I’m recommitting to me and what I want most–to be happy and healthy.  I’m attempting to lose weight without counting calories or points, without making anything off limits. Pretty crazy notion, when you think about it. I’m not counting points, or calories for the rest of my life. I’m just not. I can barely do it a week. If I cannot do it to stay there, I’m not doing it to get me there. This is a huge shift in thinking for me.

Whole30 was a great jumpstart for me into this lifestyle. It helped me with my relationship to food and to reset my body. I didn’t come out of it perfect and I still find myself way, way, way off track. When it was about weight loss, it was about calories. Now that it is about health, it is about what I put in my body. I know that it might come off slow, but if it is gone for good that is better then ending up right back here.

I know what it is like to feel defeated, hopeless and to give up on yourself because it is easier then trying. I know what it is like to avoid pictures and events. I know what it is like to explain several times a day that you are NOT pregnant. I know what it is like to throw yourself on the bed in tears like a child because you have nothing to wear. I know what is like to look at yourself in the mirror and wonder, how the hell did I get here?

I know it is okay to feel that. I know it is okay to sit with those feeling for a while.

I also know what it feels like to jump in a picture with your son on his first day of kindergarten.

To get dressed up for a wedding and feel beautiful.

To try on clothes and feel good.

To get dressed in your own clothes.

To feel in control of yourself.

To love yourself. Not love yourself because you are a size __, but to love yourself.

When I took that picture in that mirror that day, too embarrassed to ask my husband to take it–I couldn’t imagine being where I am today. I still want to lose at least 20 more pounds. I find myself fluctuating between the same five pounds. I feel that wave of hopelessness and the itch to just throw the towel in and then I see how far I’ve come. Maybe this month or next month all I do is fluctuate between those five pounds, but guess what? If I keep chugging along I will change. This is a process and I am aiming for progress, not perfection.